Sometimes
it so happens that some event of your life becomes so imbibed into your mind
that you cannot forget it no matter how much you yearn to run away from it, you just cannot
forget it and it grows silently, unknown
to your mind from its stature of just being a part of your memory to become a
part of your personality, and this event gains even more importance when it
becomes a juncture where you get to learn
something new, something closer, related to an instinct that lies beneath you,
buried among the folds of your humanity, waiting, in anticipation for its
outburst. I remember one such day of my
life ,the moment when I realized this instinct of mine and to be honest it came
to me as a surprise, getting on to the part of describing the event ,I would
like to start off from the point where I was standing on that railway platform, all alone, afraid and
completely lost among a crowd of strangers, (for those who have experienced
this must be knowing how horrifying this
situation could be) I looked around in despair, afraid to accept that I was
afraid, I dabbed at the large drops of sweat that had materialized on my
forehead with my kerchief, which as a matter of fact was something weird as it
was an early morning in the month of January and it should probably have been a
cold day, but I suppose some days are “volatile”. Getting back to the topic, the issue, as it should be
seen was, I was profusely sweating, and with the sweaty kerchief still crumpled
in my hands I clutched on to the strap of my bag as if it were some kind of a
magical object and my clutching of it would give me strength to face the ordeal
which I had to undergo or at least lessen its effect, but as it always happens
when you need your luck the most, it dries up and you are left all alone to
face the adverse effects of your destiny, and that day was something of similar
kind. If someone were to record my emotional complexities at that particular
moment, the person would notice a very a particular and peculiar fluctuations
between my emotions which at the present moment am not able to recreate here
within the framework of this write- up. Going
back to that day, I was tense, I took a long breath so as to ease my nerves but
then it seems that I must have smelled something foul and instead of getting
relief I edged on more to the side of disturbance, the tension was high. I
observed or I suppose I felt that people were staring at me, perhaps they found
me to be weird, you know, you actually look weird if you were found sweating on
cold chilly winter morning, maybe I was wrong, people perhaps never notice such
trivial things, maybe it was my tension, they must have caught a whiff of it.
Yes that might have been the thing; our natural animal instinct to recognize
fear and this fear of mine was rooted in the fact that I was supposed to travel
in a train, now travelling as a word seems very beautiful, in fact enjoyable,
but then travelling in Mumbai is not a child’s play and to top it all if it’s
your first time, when you are actually travelling in a Mumbai local train, commuting
all by yourself at the peak hours, adds up to your problems.
Now that I have mentioned my problem I can
move on further to describe the event, as I mentioned earlier, I was tense,
perspiring, petrified (I could go on to add up such adjectives, but then I
think the ones mentioned should suffice to describe the essence of the
situation). I looked around, there were a lot of people, of all sizes and
statures, coming from different backgrounds, but most of them had one thing in
common they were all “the regular commuters”, they all seemed meditative, peaceful, like those
wise men who claim to have attained “nirvana”, but I think I should also
mention that there was a difference in their composed looks, I suppose they were
not actually meditative but were being calculative like a Spartan warrior,
armed with their bags, mobiles, dressed up in formal, semi-formal dresses,
uniforms and casual attires, digesting the situation and planning their modus
operandi. I was able to sense their coldness, their animalism, lying in
anticipation for the precise moment, I could see it in their eyes, bright like
a shining star, they were calm and composed but they were alert, each and every
move that they performed was with careful evaluation (a chill runs down my
spine when I recount these details here but then that was the truth). I tried
to pacify my tense mind, wiped my sweaty forehead and awaited for the train to
come, and there it came crawling into the platform filled with people, groaning
and creaking like an old python which just had its fill, the atmosphere of the
platform changed drastically, the tranquility was damaged by the excitement, people
broke off from their peaceful attire they got themselves readied and like a
warrior who flashes his shield in front of him the modern day warriors jutted
out their bags, tightened its grip around their shoulders, crouched and positioned themselves. Eyes filled with
malice and determination focusing on the train which crept slowly into the platform,
they were ready to jump into action and before the train could actually come to
a halt, these people pounced, like hungry animals, mincing and hacking
everything that came in their way. For a moment I stood aloof from them afraid,
shocked to see the massacre, I was almost stunted, but then something strange
happened, something very weird, I don’t know what got into me and I just jumped
up with a loud blood curdling cry, pushed into the crowd, they were many in
numbers trying to push me back, throw me out, but I punched and dislocated
someone’s jaw, kicked someone, bit someone’s hands and to be honest I even
tried strangling some person, but let me tell you Sir Isaac Newton was very
honest when he put forth his 3rd law of motion, you know the one
with the “action” and “ reaction” thing. My actions were not free from
reactions, by the time I had entered the train and found myself a microscopic
spot to rest, I suppose I had two-three cracked ribs and my lips swollen, but
then I was comforted, at least I could catch my train, even with all the hassle
and bruises, I heaved a sigh of relief, took the freedom of lamenting about the
philosophical issues of lack morality and kindness in human actions, but
suddenly my happiness drained away, bringing me back to the state of
nervousness and anxiety, as now I had to worry about getting out of this jam
packed train, again I had to rely on my animal instinct to get me out .
